Viva La Crapola!

Confession time;

I have this crazy fetish for hands & legs. (:

Ps/ Purple thinks its crazy & freaky. Lol.

Labels: confessions

| another birthday! |

Happy Birthday Hassanin Ahmed ! ♥

I soo can't believe you're 20, cause you still act 10! :P

Hass, I only met you this year, but it feels like we've been friends for soooo long! I still remember th first time I met you, we immediately clicked & we were talking & laughing & joking through out the whole night! & I can NEVER forget your slick move of getting my number! HAHA that was a really smart trick, hats off to you ;)

Through out the whole year, I've grown to love you more & more & now, you're one of the closest friends in my life & I trust you dearly. You were always there to accompany me when I was alone, & you always offered to pick me up from places if I didn't have transport, & you forever made me laugh regardless of how emotional I was. Ah, you're so sweet! (':

And I definitely won't ever forget the night you randomly thought of going to Desa Park City, & dragged me, Leysha, Ron & Lee along. WHAT a group, I know! HAHA but I had so much fun that night , especially on our way home when we rolled the windows & sang our hearts out to every song on the radio! It was a fucking crazy night, & I still have th pictures from that night! (;

But lately, we've barely hung out as we don't go to Safa at the same time. I miss you dearly! ): I can't wait to hang out & laugh my head off with you again! & yes, I will sing along with you to every darn song you play on th iPod as its your birthday. :D HAHA!

I love you , Hass! You're like one of the many "Safa brothers" I have. (':

Labels: birthdays, friends

| finally, |

Its been awhile since I went out with my friends.

The other day, I went to Curve with Leysha, Lee, Yana, PW, Harith, Ali, Choo and Tana. It was superrrr fun! The rest of them wanted to job-hunt, some wanted to lepak, & I wanted to shop. So we were basically separated but still bumped into each other from time to time. & we kept going off with another person every time we met up. That was so funny!

But we did have lunch together, & bowl together. It was really fun! God, I missed this so much. I couldn't even remember the last time I went to the mall with my friends! Well Im just glad that the holidays are finally here, & we can all start hanging out like there's no tomorrow again!

Ps/ I still want a purple purse so badly!!

Labels: friends, fun, hanging out

November 04, 2009 | tear my heart open, |

"You stole my heart just by saying 'I love you', y'know?"

Ps/ This time, its fucking deep & its fucking real.

| cottoncandy ♥ |

"Y'know that you don't have to put a claim on me right?"

"I don't care. I still want to. YOU'RE FUCKING MINE."

PS/ This just keeps getting better & better. ♥

Labels: love.

November 03, 2009 | sing until your lungs give out , |

I am soooo proud of you boys, & Im so gonna be you guys' #1 Groupie there, ya hear me!? I can't wait to hear you guys rock out, & Im so gonna scream & sing along till my lungs give out! I still remember following you guys for your second jamming session, & you guys already sounded amazing together !

But most of all, I really am proud of you boys. (': You guys are like my closest guy friends, & I just can't wait to see you guys perform at your first gig together!

Johnathan Lee, I've known you since we were 9 & now you're the lead singer of a band & you're taking centre stage? Fuck, Im so goddamn proud of you, bestfriend. (': You're one crazy & awesome singer, & Im fucking sure you're gonna entertain th crowd!

Joey Khong, we've got so much closer this year & you truly are my Twin. You're gonna rock that stage with your bassing skills , Twinneh! Im so proud of you , & I can't wait to see you play! I've never seen you play on stage! :D

Harith N, how ironic is this- we also met a gig! HAHA aww. I remember having a teensy weensy crush on you just because you were the drummer! Hee go melt other girls hearts like you melted mine okay? But remember, Yana's gonna be there ;)

Shahrul Sufian, you're a total crazy bitch y'kno! You better be as crazy as you are in tuition & jamm sessions on that stage! We've only been friends for a few months now, but Im still proud of you!

Breakdown Before Breakfast ! ♥ ♥ ♥

Labels: gigs, music

November 02, 2009 | turn me on. |

"I want you so badly."

Ps/ We've never been better, thnkyou. ♥

Labels: love

October 30, 2009 | music, |

31st October 2009;

Be there, or be square, losers!

Unless, you want to be square? Then I guess just be there or be triangle or something! Okay, its sooo fucking obvious Im like totally excited right? :DDD Well I am! I can't waittttt. & Im gonna finally meet so many people I've only known online. Like aww. (':

Sore feet? I say bring it. Sore throat? No problem. Sore muscles and aches all over? I don't mind. Waiting for hours? Pfft. Standing for hours? Oh please. Rocking out for hours? Fuck yeah! Amazing time with friends? Totally worth it. Loud, pounding, deafening music? Say what! Rocking bands? Totally into it! Crazy crowd? That's the best part!

Im'ma sleep now, & get lotsa energy for tomorrow ! Hell to the fuck yeah !

Labels: fun, music

| they need not know ♥ |

(click to enlarge , duhh! & look at th amount of likes! :S)

"Why is everyone making it such a big deal?"

"Because its YOU, Vee. Must I elaborate?"

PS/ Purple. (: ♥

Labels: love.

| setting it straight, with a curve. |

"How do you know if you're gay?"
"The question is- how do you know if you're straight?"
-Quote taken off the series, South Of Nowhere. ♥

"I think people are born bisexual and they make subconscious
choices based on the pressure of society.
I have no question in my mind about being bisexual."
-Megan Fox. ♥

"Straight people say, 'You know you're just gay,'
and gay people say, 'You know you're just gay.'
There is such a thing as bisexual!"
-Andy Dick.

"You know, gay, lesbian, bisexual - people are people."
-Judith Light.

"Homosexuality was invented by a straight world dealing with its own bisexuality."
-Kate Millet, Flying.

"I think I've always been bisexual.
I think people are born bisexual, and it's just that our parents
and society kind of veer us off into this feeling of 'Oh, I can't'.
They say it's taboo. It's ingrained in our heads that it's bad,
when it's not bad at all. It's a very beautiful thing."
-Bille Joe Armstrong.

"Everyone has people in their lives that are gay,
lesbian or transgender or bisexual.
They may not want to admit it, but I guarantee they know somebody."
-Billie Jean King.

"I was open about it (bisexuality) because I wanted people
to know that I had been with a woman. I spoke about it
because I'd discovered something wonderful and I thought
people should know my experience was very real, very normal."
-Angelina Jolie. ♥

"I love women and men equally and I see people
and love as love, so I think it makes sense that a woman would know
I'd appreciate and love her as much as I would a man."
-Angelina Jolie. ♥

"Honestly, I like everything.
Boyish girls, girlish boys, the heavy and the skinny.
Which is a problem when I'm walking down the street."
-Angelina Jolie. ♥

"At the end of the day, I really like women.
I'd love it if the girls in the cinema watching Lara Croft
find me just as hot as their boyfriends do."
-Angelina Jolie. ♥ (don't you just love Angelina Jolie?!)

"The time has come, I think, when we must recognize bisexuality
as a normal form of human behavior. We shall not really
succeed in discarding the straitjacket of our cultural beliefs
about sexual choice if we fail to come to terms with the well-documented,
normal human capacity to love members of both sexes."
-Margaret Mead, Redbook.

"Don't go straight, go gayly forward."
-Elise Atmaca. (My absolute fave quote! ♥)

This is me openly admitting, I am BISEXUAL.

No, Im not just 'coming out'. I know I've been bi since I was 12 or 13. Everyone does. But now, I don't see why you have to judge me. What's wrong with being bisexual? Eh? Give me three fucking good reasons. Honestly. Or , just one. But you can't now, can you? What, its wrong to love someone of the same sex? Then you're just pathetic, y'know.

Being bisexual isn't "dangerous", or "disgusting", or "fucked up." Being bisexual is NORMAL. You're still human, you still have arms and legs, you still have your senses, you're still fucking you. Cmon, open up. Grow up. Be matured. Be open. Think outta the box. Don't judge. Face it. Deal with it. Embrace it. Get to know it. Familiarize it. Think about it. Learn it. Sense it. Feel it. Trust it. Like it. Love it. ACCEPT IT.

Im blessed to have amazing people in my life who accept me for who I am. I was worried when I first found out I was bisexual about how the people in my life would accept me or treat me. But I didn't need to worry one bit! Everyone has accepted me so gracefully. My bestfriends, my siblings, my seniors, my friends, my childhood friends, my school mates, my tuition mates, my teachers, my day-to-day friends.. EVERY. Fucking. One. So if you can't accept me being bisexual, then you're obviously not meant to be in my life or anyone important in my life at all, right?

So, who are you to judge me again?

Oh yeah, that's right. You're NOBODY.

PS/ Now, kindly fuck off as I have men & women to check out. PEACE! ;)

Labels: confessions, love, sexualism

| not good, |

Please let me end today feeling this way, ♥

Ps/ ImissPurple. & I hope Purple feels the same.

| choke on it, bitch. |

Are you fucking blind? Or you're just ignoring all the signs?

Face it.

Labels: anger, anonymous, hate

| addiction ♥ |

There is honestly SO much I want to do, its driving me crazy! I should list them down;

#1; Catch up on all the tv shows/series I haven't watched in AGES!

I've been forced to put on hold all my favourite tv shows/series & its been killing me! But whatever. I just can't wait to catch up on these shows once again! Im gonna spend th whole of November just watching all these shows, day & night til its all done! Just you watch meeeee!

The L Word ♥ ♥ ♥

South Of Nowhere ♥ ♥

Sugar Rush

Anyone But Me ♥

How I Met Your Mother ♥

Sex And The City ♥

One Tree Hill ♥

The O.C.

Gossip Girl

Pushing Daisies

Labels: addiction, love, tv shows

October 29, 2009 | take me to the cinema , |

Megan Fox. Amanda Seyfried. Adam Brody. Cheerleader. Megan Fox. Girl gets possessed. Megan Fox. Boys getting eaten. Megan Fox. Girls getting eaten. Megan Fox. Lesbian make out scene. Megan Fox. Amazing soundtrack. Megan Fox. High school drama. Megan Fox. Evil. Megan Fox. Murders. Megan Fox. Drama. Megan Fox. Comedy. Megan Fox. Horror. Megan Fox. Stabbing. Megan Fox. Megan Fox. Megan Fox.

Honestly. Need I say more?

I want to watch this & just cry my freakin' eyes out. This looks like a REALLY good movie, & I just love th concept. Love. Time traveling. Deception. Fights. Obstacles. Boundaries. Childhood. Drama. Adventure. Eric Bana. Rachel McAdams. Sigh. Its gonna be SO good! Oh &, Rachel McAdams, be mine! ♥

So, who's up for a movie with me? (:

Labels: love, movies

October 28, 2009 | you are ♥ |

Hey, you.

I think I'll call you purple from now on. ♥

Because purple is my favourite colour, & well, you're my favourite now. (:

Ps/ YouKnowWhoYouAre ♥

| the 27th. |

"What are you thinking about?"

"Im thinking about you."

"And, what do you feel?"

"Love?"

I know "promise" is a really big word. But I honestly don't know what else to say. If I say I'll "try", then that doesn't seem enough, to neither of us. And if I say I "swear", well, that's even more serious than a promise.

So. What do you want me to say?

Yes, I am incredibly terrified of how things might go, of how it might end up again- but Im willing to take the risk. At least Im gonna try. And I want you to try, with me. This may be our third time trying , but hell- y'kno what they say. Third time's the charm.

All I know is, I love you even more than you love me. ♥

"I miss US. I want US. I need you, I love you."

Ps/ YouKnowWhoYouAre ♥

Labels: love, relationships

| butterflies & hurricanes, |

Matthew Bellamy, ♥

Your moaning, your groaning, , your whispering, your screaming, your shrieking, your high-pitched voice, your sexy voice, your low voice, your soft voice, your soothing voice, your electronic voice, your "I-have-no-idea-what-this-is-but-its-turning-me-on" voice, your insane guitar skills, your amazing piano skills, your brilliant lyrics, your crazy outfits, your sexy face, your cute hair, your deepset eyes, your tall physique..

Oh, Im in love. ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥

Currently (re-)addicted to;

Tell me again , WHY did I stop listening to them? Whatthefuck was wrong with me, I'll never know. Im in the "I-Love-Muse, AGAIN!" phase for now. They fucking rock my eardrums & their music literally puts me into a trance, sometimes. If you don't listen to them , then you officially suck balls. (:

Ps/ Muse, Muse, Muse! I want Matthew Bellamy oh, so badly! ♥

Labels: love, matthew bellamy, music

| this is me breaking the spell, |

Lately, I've been feeling extra happy.
Lately, things have taken a turn for the better.
Lately, I've been laughing more.
Lately, I've been smiling more.
Lately, I've been having fun.
Lately, everything has been great.
Lately, hours spent with my loved ones have been amazing.

Lately, I've been feeling good.

"Birds flying high,
You know how I feel.
Sun in the sky,
You know how I feel.
Breeze driftin' on by,
You know how I feel.
It's a new dawn.
It's a new day.
It's a new life.
For me..
And I'm feeling good.

Fish in the sea,
You know how I feel.
River running free,
You know how I feel.
Blossom in the trees,
You know how I feel.
It's a new dawn.
It's a new day.
It's a new life.
For me...
And I'm feeling good.

Stars when you shine,
You know how I feel.
Scent of the pine,
You know how I feel.
Yeah, freedom is my lie.
When you know how I feel.
It's a new dawn.
It's a new day.
It's a new life.
For me.."

Feeling Good by Muse ♥

Labels: emotions, happiness

October 27, 2009 | haunt me. |

"Using me is one thing.

Breaking me down, and tearing me apart-
is a whole different thing altogether."

Sincerely by, Vinoda Ganase.

So. Don't do it. Please?

Labels: deviantart.com

October 26, 2009 | meet vee. |

Y'know what's fucked up? Being in love with someone you can't have.

& therefore, I am fucked up. Hooray. (:

Labels: hurt, love, relationships

| im just saying. |

Y'know, I don't always want to share your joy, too.

Im just saying. I mean, yes, you are my friend & yes, I am supposed to feel happy for you, too, like you always are for me but I just can't. Not all the time. Especially nowadays, when even the slightest things make me want to scream or break down. Im sorry. & Im also sorry for snapping at you today. That was really uncalled for. & all you said was, "Wow." ):

Again, Idk why Im like this. I think its my PMS acting up, or just maybe something is really wrong with me. I just want you to know that I didn't mean to be mean, & I didn't mean to snap at you. Just know that I still do want you around & I still do need you in my everyday life- or else, I'd just die!

I promise, I'll try to be happy for you once again, bestfriend. (:

Ps/ I am so totally treating my blog like a tumblr. Damn. :S

Labels: confessions, selfish, thoughtful

| go pink, ♥ |

No, that's not a controversial picture, mind you.

Sharmila called again today, asking if I was up for another photoshoot/article. This time, she said, its about breast cancer. I immediately think of the pink ribbons & what not. I say sure. She says, "There'll be shots of you self-examining yourself. No faces will be shown! PROMISE!!!"

HAHA I love that quirky reporter! So yes. Im going to be appearing in the newspaper again, & this time, you'll get to see my boobs! HAHAHAHAHAHA. Okay, wait. NOT funny. I wonder what mummy & daddy will say! & my friends. Oh dear lord! I've had enough of them calling me "Toothpaste Girl", & lord KNOWS what they're gonna start calling me this time! :S

Well, Im bracing myself. Im gonna do it anyway. & whyyy ?

Because I support the fight against breast cancer! ♥

Its such a terrible thing to happen to a woman in life. & yes, I AM a sexist, deal with it. I believe in girl power, woman power, & old lady power. I believe women are the better sex. I believe women deserve respect. I believe women are greater leaders of the world. I believe that women should have rights in this world too. I believe women are more complex beings because we're meant to be. I believe women are better, downright. & finally, I believe GOD is a woman. (:

I most certainly do! Well, this time I decided to ask Leysha to come instead cus she hasn't been on the newspaper since ever! Its always been PW & me. Well now Leysha has a chance! Currently waiting for her to come anyway. :DD

So yeah, talk to ya later homes!

Ps/ GAYA, I'll ask the reporter as many questions as I can & pass you the info, okay? Don't worry! (:

Labels: breast caner, photoshoots, support

October 24, 2009 | just how I feel. |

"Me and my heart, we've got issues."
-The Saturdays

Sometimes, Im happy to be distracted. If I did wait for you, it'll be too much to bear.

Labels: confusion, love, relationships

| cheeky. |

Its 1.10a.m. For once, I have tons of things I want to blog about! What a change. But Im still searching for th right contents, so that'll take a while. Boohoo.

Just came back from my aunt's open house. Yeap, its been a week since my open house, but Im still going for others! Imagine that- Indian food, all fucking week! The mutton, the chicken, the fish, the briyani.. Oh gosh. If I were to puke out my whole week's content of food, there'd be enough to feed hundreds of children in Africa! :DD

& now, Im crapping again. That means Im really sleepy. Sigh. & oh! That also reminds me of a joke my friends & I created. Its like, when PW's sleepy- she can't stop talking. When Leysha's sleepy- she doesn't make sense at all. When Im sleepy- I just sleep. (: HAHA!

Well anyway. Im gonna head to my other blog post now! :P

I miss this, so much. I wanna go back! )':

Hopefully those two don't follow in our footsteps, eh Sis? ;)

Ps/ Im starting to feel the need to have this, "connection" with my blog again. I wanna blog like I actually talk to my blog, not just posts about things that happened. Hopefully that changes! *fingers crossed

October 23, 2009 | fuck yeah! |

I am sooo totally going for, The All-American Rejects concert!

I can't wait, I can't wait, I can't wait!

They fucking rocked at MTV World Stage and I think they'll definitely rock 18237564 times harder this time! Im TOO goddamn excited. Its gonna be a great concert, especially with great local bands performing too! Ngeeeeee. I don't even wanna bother keeping my excitement on the down low! :DDD

And no, Im NOT going gaga for the concert because of Tyson Ritter. -.-

As a matter of fact, Im getting really fucking annoyed by all these girls who claim Tyson is , "theirs". NEWSFLASH : Hun, he doesn't even know who you are! I don't understand why the fuck are all these girls being such little FAKE groupies for Tyson. What, you just realized how cute he is?

NEWSFLASH, again : He's been around since forever! I've always admired him since I first heard their song , "Swing , Swing" waaaaay back in Standard 4! But now, I just feel like Tyson is so goddamn over-rated. Girls, I get it that he's cute but honestly- just stop "claiming" him because its fucking childish.

So whatever. While almost every single person in the concert are gonna be screaming for Tyson, I kno Im gonna be screaming for The All-American Rejects! They're a great band, and Tyson is awesome too but they're amazing together. Not just Tyson alone, not just the band alone.

31st October, Stadium Putra Bukit Jalil. Seeya losers there! ;)

| don't kid yourself. |

"Its okay, I know you've forgotten me anyway."

Well, why are you complicating things for me again, James? Its been ages since I've actually laid eyes on you and spoke to you. & when we finally do, we end up in a little fight?

Whatever. I won't bother anymore. I already closed you in my life, and we'll remain friends. You weren't even my boyfriend for god's sake, but might as well say you kinda were right? What with everything between us being so complicated & whatnot.. But you're definitely not my first love. That, is someone way more special and amazing than you'll ever be, ♥

I honestly don't know what you want from me, & I don't care because you never will say & Im sick of that. You never confronted anything between us, & I hated that. And no, I do not have feelings for you anymore.

Honestly, let's just remain friends. Awkward as it may be.

"This means nothing to me.
'Cause you are nothing to me.
And it means nothing to me,
That you blew this away.

You could've been number one.
And you could've ruled the whole world.
And we could've had so much fun.
But you blew it away.

You're still nothing to me.
And this is nothing to me.
And you don't know what you've done.
But I'll give you a clue."

Uno by Muse ♥

Ps/ If you want me to do it so much, then maybe I just will forget you. For good.

October 22, 2009 | forget friday! |

Like I said, Thursday nights. ♥

Mamak;

Shisha;

Tuition;

Mr.Pang! ♥

The only mean t-shirt that I have ;)

HAHAHA swagger! ;)

Ooohh Sophie, let's go to London, babyyy! HAHA!

* * * * *

So, had our English exams today. I do NOT want to talk about it. Such a disappointment, Im so totally pissed at myself. Its English, dammit, ENGLISH! My best subject. My favourite subject. & I can't even write a proper essay?

I went blank. I rewrote my essay like, four fucking times. I tore my papers into little pieces out of anguish. & I wrote a whole page of pure bullshit. I can't fucking take it. I can't believe I screwed up my english paper. GAH!

Next up, even more crappier papers! Booyah , Im soo gonna fail, big time. :S

| i'll remember it. |

"I forgive you. Its not all your fault anyway. Im sorry too."

We decided to forgive & forget. ♥

Im glad we had that talk. Im glad to know you didn't actually hate me, & you still don't hate me at all. I don't know what we are now, or how things are between us but Im just glad that we could forgive each other for our mistakes & the hurt we've caused, & move on from that.

"Ily still, but its like Idk.."

Labels: love, relationships

| to let go. |

Since I never really blog about my life, I think I shall now! :DD

So, finals has just begun. Dum dum dum! Both papers for BM were today. & I can proudly say, I'll fuck this exam with flying condoms! ;) Translation : "I'll pass with flying colours." Duhh, losers. Its a line Leysha & Dee created WAY back in form2! Well anyway, BM rocked! Though I didn't finish my paper 2, question 4 (b) in time. )': Sigh. Well whatever. Still gonna fuck this paper! I know Pn.Zawatil loves me. (':

Other than that, its a Thursday today! And that only means one thing; MATHS TUITION! ♥ But Im so sad. )': This is gonna be the last maths tuition class for the remainder of the year. Sigh! Im definitely bringing the DSLR to tuition, to capture some last pictures with my maths tuition buddies! (':

Im gonna miss tuition so so much & Thursday nights!

For the past four months or so, my Thursday nights have been spent with Joey Khong & Johnathan Lee. (': Since everyone else in the gang decided to stop maths tuition, the three of us remained. So every Thursday night for the past four months have been spent at Safa, mamak-ing & shisha-ing with Lee & Joey & then off to tuition. Thursday nights became one of the most looked-forward to routine for this year. Every Thursday night, something new will happen.

& Lee, Joey & I have bonded so much more closer thru these Thursday nights.

Its amazing how close we've gotten. Thursday nights are usually the nights either one of us will pour out our heart & soul on our latest problem, & the other two will help. I've done it, Lee's done it & Joey's done it. Whenever Im down, sad, feeling shitty or whatever-negative, I look forward to Thursday nights the most with my boys. They always give th best advice, lamest jokes & nastiest comebacks to cheer me up. (':

So with all that said ,

I'll miss Thursday nights LIKE HECK A LOT ! )':

Ps/ I just crap-blogged. BOOYAH! Looks like Im finally living up to my blog's name ae, Viva La Crapola! ;)

October 18, 2009 | the big 1-oh-oh! |

This is my 100th post.

Yes, I've reached my 100th post a few times before- but after much deleting & edits, I went down several times. This time , this 100th post actually means something. I deleted so many useless posts & stuff. Posts that I did when I was still an amateur blogger. (cheh cheh! ;D)

So anyway. I just noticed how I don't really blog about my everyday life. I blog more about my emotions or my memories. My blog is really an emotional roller coaster of words & pictures. That's the only way I can actually label my blog. But then again, emotions change & I change.

But for this 100th post, I decided to do a little something special.

Im going to blog about myself, my life. Not my emotions, or my memories or any of that sort. This time, Im going to blog about something that plays a major role in my life. Time. Yes, time. Time is something we can never get enough of but also don't want it. All my life, time has played a huge part in my life. And why is that ?

Well, time makes me wait.

Everyone knows Im one of the most impatient person on planet earth, & waiting is not something I do too well. The other day, I was just sitting and staring into blank space realizing how I waited for so long for so many things to happpen in my life. & slowly, I started listing them down in my head.

So. Here goes nothing.

I had to wait for 2 years til I could actually start speaking.
I had to wait for 3 years to join pre-school.
I had to wait for 4 years til I found my first ever bestfriend.
I had to wait for 5 years to realize I am Mummy and Daddy's last child.
I had to wait for 6 years to actually start riding the bicycle with two wheels.
I had to wait for 7 years to actually find my first ever best guyfriend.
I had to wait for 7 years to actually travel outta the country.
I had to wait for 8 years to actually stop sucking my thumb.
I had to wait for 9 years to actually find my true best guyfriend, that will still be my friend til now.
I had to wait for 10 years to actually have my first ever group of friends.
I had to wait for 10 years to have my first crush on a celebrity.
I had to wait for 11 years to actually get my first ever enemy.
I had to wait for 11 years to realize that school isn't something I like.
I had to wait for 12 years to leave primary school.
I had to wait for 12 years till I could go to the mall on my own.
I had to wait for 13 years till I actually had my first crush on a guy.
I had to wait for 13 years to find my first ever true bestfriend. ♥
I had to wait for 13 years to realize I am bisexual.
I had to wait for 13 years to find out my passion for something- cheerleading.
I had to wait for 14 years to actually get my first kiss.
I had to wait for 14 years to be able to go out at night.
I had to wait for 15 years to get true friends I've always longed for. ♥
I had to wait for 15 years to travel outta the country again, after a long time.
I had to wait for 16 years to actually enter my first big competition- Cheer2009.
I had to wait for 16 years to actually fall in love, for the first time in my life. ♥

Thinking back, I could only remember these things. Most of which were major highlights of my life , & these are some of the most precious moments that I will never forget. Right now, all I can think of is..

What else will time make me wait for?

Ps/ Happy 100th bloggy! Iloveyouuu :D

Labels: life, time, waiting

| sex me up. |

These women, are my sex.

Maria Mena ♥

Katy Perry ♥

A Fine Frenzy ♥

Anna Nalick ♥

Beyonce ♥

Britney Spears ♥

Hayley Williams of Paramore ♥

Lily Allen ♥

Gwen Stefani ♥

Avril Lavigne ♥

Carrie Underwood ♥

Missy Higgins ♥

Katie White of The Ting Tings ♥

Sia ♥

Yuna ♥

Zee Avi ♥

Pink ♥

Norah Jones ♥

Lacey Mosley of Flyleaf ♥

Kate Voegele ♥

Meg & Dia ♥

Leona Lewis ♥

Tegan & Sara ♥

t.A.T.u ♥

Kate Nash ♥

The Pierces ♥

Kelly Clarkson ♥

Pixie Lott ♥

You SUCK if you do not listen to these amazing voices. ♥

Labels: inspiration, love, music

| so yesterday, |

#begin.confession/

It was the 17th , yesterday.

It would've meant something so special to me, if I didn't go and fuck things up. Like I always do.

Im still so fucking sorry.

But you've heard enough, & I understand.

"What the hell am I even doing? Goddammit."

"You're hoping hun. And that's good. Hoping is alot better than nothing. Trust me."

/end.confession#

Labels: hurt, love, relationships

| light those lights. |

Deepavali , has come and gone !

& like every year, my family had an open house! I admit, I went overboard with the invitations. I invited almost everyone I talked to. But in the end, I don't regret it at all ! Everyone who came made my day. It was definitely better than last year's open house. I don't know about my friends, but I sure had fun!

So anyway , there are pictures to continue blabbing for me ;) Enjoy!

She's been coming every year since 07. (':

Choo makan je tauu! :P

My fave boys , Harith , Joey & Lee. (;

Yana & Lee, ♥

Eek Darren! Handsome-nyaaa with his new hair ! ;)

The juniors :P

On the balcony :D

Raided mummy's room :P

Boysss,

Leysha & Yana, ♥

Raping Darren :P

Leeeeee :D

Loong, Fung, Ilya & Chai !

Choo & Harith, ♥

Gotta have a JoLeyVin shot ! ♥

Yana & PW, ♥

Joey & Lee, in my room :D

Hass, Darren & Sanjiv. LOOK AT JIV!
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH !

Aww , Darren! ♥

Its her fifth year at our open house.
Love you Lisan! (:

I love my seniors! (':
NK, Aisha, PeiTheng, Lisan & Ilya! ♥

HAHAHARITH Indian! :P

We tried to do the "Many Hands" thing :P

Otw to the padang to blow up some FIREWORKS! ;)

At the padang :D

Us with the "white guy" , Ilya :P HAHA!

The Sharifahs belong to me ! ♥ (:

They were there til 2am, AWW (':

Well that's most of the pics. Thnks to Lisan, Harith & Leysha for all the pics! Again, I wanna thank everyone for coming. (': The food was more than enough & I hope everyone enjoyed themselves as much as I did !

Ps/ Currently chatting on MSN with NK & Lisan , we're all bored & we wanna go to Safa! HAHA three people you'd never thought would be in a convo :P

October 15, 2009 | family comes first. |

Im totally grateful to have such an awesome family ! Yeah sure, they do piss me off & stuff but hey- what's a family without any quarrels, nagging(s), lectures, fights & all that shenanigans? :D

So anyway, if you've been reading my blog you'll know that my aunt & uncle from mummy's side decided to take us all (one big happy family!) to some resort in Port Dickson for the triplets' FIRST birthday! & I was too excited. Its been MONTHS since I've gone on a holiday!

& this was truly one of the best holidays I've ever had. But I'll just let th pictures do the talking yeah ? (:

The Celebration ♥

It totally felt like a mini Hawaii, I swear !

Their first time on a beach (:

One huge happy family (;

The Hotel ♥

I finally got to carry her ! :DD

The four of us (me, my sis, Alyssa & Arianne) wanted to stay in one room together, ALONE.
But of course our parents didn't allow it & Aunty Aja was forced to chaperon us!
Little did they kno , we'd still have crazy fun with her around ! ;)

Game night ! :P

Fun/Crazy moments ! ♥

The morning after,

AWESOME viewwww !

The Beach ♥

Well, that's about it. Of course there are more pics, but I don't wanna upload all of em! So kindly proceed to my Facebook acc if you wanna see more pictures, (:

All in all , this was a superb holiday. I can't believe it only lasted for two days, but I still had such a good time! I finally got a chance to really mingle with the triplets, & I love them so much! (':

Can't wait till the next holiday! ;)

Labels: family, holidays, love

October 10, 2009 | love lost. |

"Infinity's over now."

Bear with me, please. This is not a hate post or a guilt post.

I just want you to know I understand that you hate me now. I understand that I broke your heart. I understand that I broke my promise. I understand that I can never undo what I've done. I understand that you won't ever forgive or even forget it. I understand that you just don't love me anymore. I understand everything , completely.

I thought we could fix things, but we were too broken.

I just want you to know that I still remember what we had. I still remember our ridiculous fights. I still remember our serious fights. I still remember our inside jokes. I still remember our ridiculous nicknames. I still remember our time apart. I still remember our silly fights on who loved who more. I still remember our promises. I still remember our conversations. I still remember how you cared so much, when I was sick for two whole weeks. I still remember you being loving.

I want to believe what we had was real.

So now. Everything just fell apart, even before I realized it was going to. I know I messed it up for myself, & you have every rights to walk away. Its too late for us to do anything now. You're never coming back , & I'll have to slowly accept it.

I just want to know that no matter what, I still can't bring myself to hate you.

You really are my first love. No matter what happened between us, or what is going to happen, you will always be that someone who actually let me experience love for the first time in my life. You may say that you were lying to me the whole time, & you may laugh at me all you want. I still don't give a fuck, because you meant something to me & you always will.

Don't get me wrong, this is not a closure post.

I will never want to close th chapter of you in my life, EVER. But this is going to be th last post that I'll ever do of you. Why? Because I know you want me outta your life as soon as possible, & just trust me when I say Im trying as best I can. I'll leave you alone. I'll stay away. I'll ignore whatever you want me to.

"I understand
Your need to switch the roles around
And despise me for the
Fact that we didn't last
And I'll be your punching bag
If you'll stay in my past.

I understand
To want to have a mature dialogue
Is too much to ask
and I'll be your one regret
If you'll stay in my past.

I understand
That we can never speak again
And your resentment towards me
Will last
And I will let you forget me
If you'll stay in my past..

So. Please stay in my past.."

If You'll Stay In My Past by Maria Mena ♥

Ps/ I'll force myself to believe its over, just for you. (:

| heck yes! |

"Just prepare props,

Or even your quirky behaviour is good enough!"

Guess who called?!

Sharmila Nair, from the STAR newspaper! She wants to do another photoshoot with me, PW & Leysha. This time, the topic is about "Weird Behaviours" , whatever that means! Hee. Sadly, Leysha couldn't make it. ): But Sheryll came instead so it was still fun! ♥

I can't wait! Its been months since our last photoshoot & its been ages since I saw Sharmila. I saw her at Cheer, but we didnt get to talk. We just waved at each other & she wished me luck. (:

So finally !

Something exciting for me. Heh. This is going to be a REALLY good weekend because fr tmrw and Monday, I'll be at PD with the family & relatives from mummy's side for the triplet's one year old birthday! Can't wait. We're gonna stay at this five-star hotel & stuff, & there's so much to do!

Im just soo happy I'll be gone for even a weekend. Its been ages since I've had a proper holiday. gaahh! & I miss going places with the family. So a photoshoot on a Saturday & a weekend getaway to PD with luxuries awaiting...?

If I were Islam, I think this is the most appropriate time to say "Alhamdulillah!" ;)

So can't wait to spend a weekend away with them! ♥

Ps/ Shall miss my friends, Safa, bloggy & Facebook! ):

Labels: friends, fun, getaways, photoshoots

October 06, 2009 | we are family! |

Spent some quality time with the siblings today! :DDD

Shopping with Sister was super fun, & its amazing how we seem to agree on things when it comes to clothes. ;) And helping Brother shop was just hilarious! That boy is too darn lazy to ever bother to shop. But thankgod Darren helped him out & so did us girls. Brother has two new t-shirts now! *claps

I love my siblings to death, & today was just another great memory that will remain in my head.

Time spent with my siblings seem to be much shorter nowadays, as we're all growing up & busy with our stuff. High school, college & university. We're barely at home & whenever we are, we'll be in our rooms doing our own things.

I miss those days when we sat at the kitchen table till 2a.m. or whatever, just talking about the dumbest things ever. Im closer to Sister, & we share our personal problems. Brother isn't that open to us, but he listens & still gives his fair share of advice or stories.

Conversations over the kitchen table will always be so memorable. We would talk about anything, laugh about anything, joke about anything and what not. We still have those talks sometimes, though they're rare. I treasure it more now, knowing that someday we'll never end up at the kitchen table again laughing over how Brother makes fun of Sister.

Im grateful to have my siblings in my life, & in the house. Without them, life would be dull & just too darn miserable. Yeah, sure we have our moments. We fight. We annoy one another. We ignore each other. We're too busy. We don't agree on things.

But hey, aren't every family like that?

Labels: family, love, memories

October 04, 2009 | where do I go to fall from grace? |

Nicely said, Caryn Khoo. ♥

Labels: emotions, love, quotes

| i can't do it. |

"Eat, Vee."

"Please eat."

"Have you even been eating lately?"

"You look like a stick now."

"What the hell happened to you?"

"What is wrong with you?"

"You can't do this to yourself."

"Force yourself to eat!"

"Im gonna keep asking, til you actually say YES."

"Jangan lah sampai tak makan, sayang."

"Oh my, you did lose weight!"

"Something's wrong with you."

"You'll soon disappear into thin air if you keep this up!"

"Go and eat, PLEASE."

"You need help."

"Health check, meet Vee. Vee, meet health check."

"Just take extra f***king care of yourself!"

"Just eat, for god's sake!"

"Eat. Eat. Eat. Eat. EAT!"

I don't mean to make you all worry. :S

October 02, 2009 | of meals and puke, |

"Have you even been eating lately?"

I sat up in mummy's bed while cracking my back, neck, knuckles & everything (terrible habit of mine!), Mummy & Daddy stand around just staring right at me. Their faces has the word "concerned" written all over it, which is never good. "If you keep this up, you'll soon disappear into thin air dear!", Mummy said.

So lately, my health has been a major issue.

Or more like, my eating habits. Lately, the one line I've heard people saying a lot is, "You've lost so much weight!". Of course, I've no idea whatsoever. I mean, I feel fine. I don't feel thinner. I still see my stomach. I eat. I look the same. I feel the same. I still crave for certain food at certain hours.

But, there are the other issues. Like, my clothes don't fit me as good as they used to. My pants are really slipping off my waist now, & it never used to. I don't like most of the food I used to like. My face looks thinner. My bones are starting to show a bit, at certain places. I can finally fit clothes that seemed to be too small before. My arms look smaller. I feel weaker than usual. I don't eat as much. I only drink mostly.

And worstly? I've lost 10 kgs. :S

Yeap, 10 motherchuckin' kgs! No, its not a good thing! Especially for someone my size. Im officially 32kgs now and IM NOT PROUD! I didn't even know this was happening to me! I don't know if this is happening due to physical or emotional reasons. Its just that ever since I was sick for two whole weeks back in August, my whole diet has just been wrong. I don't even feel like myself anymore.. I can honestly go a whole day without eating breakfast, lunch and even dinner. Just light snacks would be fine..

No, I am NOT doing this to myself.

Im soo not starving myself or anything to lose weight. Im so not those kinda girls, those girls make me sick. Its just that nowadays, with even the thought of food, I'd feel like puking. If I force myself to eat, I'd want to puke. If I do eat, I'd only finish half or less of what's on my plate because I just can't take anymore..

I can tell, my friends and family are getting worried. I nearly fainted in school the other day, but I didn't. Lee was constantly worried & he forced me to eat something. Harith & Leysha both bought me food & tried to convince me to eat. But finally, I only half a slice of chocolate cake. Which afterwards I felt like puking. Even my teachers, relatives, tuition friends & siblings have noticed my decrease in weight. I honestly don't know what to do anymore

Please help, anyone.

Ps/ I don't want to be bulimic. :S

| this is not good. |

"Aww baby. I feel soo bad for leaving you & Pei Wen,
Especially now when you're both so vulnerable!"

Hey, Leysha.

Its okay, bestie. I agree that it totally utterly sucks to the core that you're leaving, especially now when I need you most in my life. Things have been so hard for me lately, & you, along with everyone else has been helping me cope with it and I couldn't be any more grateful.

Hey, Leysha.

You've been through more shit lately compared to me! Don't you dare feel bad, babe. You deserve this trip, you deserve to have fun, you deserve to forget, you deserve to laugh, smile & joke, you deserve a good time and you sure as hell deserve CUTE AUSSIE BOYS! *winks

Hey, Leysha.

I'll try to stay strong, I won't mope around. I know I need you most now but I can't be selfish! You deserve happiness too, & I hope one whole motherchuckin' week away from this place would make you feel so much better !

Hey, Leysha.

Do me a favour? Don't worry about PeiWen & me, we'll keep each other company & we'll save you all the stories, the gossip, the laughter, the tears and everything else! We can't wait for you to come back , & we just hope you'll come back happier. (:

WE LOVE YOU! ♥

Im so gonna miss this for a whole week! )':

Labels: friends, friendship, life

October 01, 2009 | just so you know. |

And yet, I still can't bring myself to hate you.

September 29, 2009 | way overdue, |

I am currently missing ;

Caryn Khoo Pei Theng

Naressa Khan

Aisha Safya

I just suddenly miss my ex-seniors so, so much! )':

We were never that close when they were still in high school last year. We would just smile or wave at each other, the usual 'hello's & whatnot. There were times where we have normal, short, simple conversations and that was about it. Easily put, we weren't really friends. They were just seniors who knew me, & I was just a junior who knew them. & we shared th same group of friends. I mixed around with th seniors alot, so yeah. That was that.

But damn, how much has changed !

Since they've left school, we've only gotten much, much closer! Now, our conversations are deep, meaningful, full of life & full of gossip. I think we'll have to thank Safa & our boys for that. Without them, we would've never wounded up at th same table and never have engaged in a proper conversation.

Its amazing how close we are now. They're like older sisters to me, & they call me their younger sister. Hee. We can talk about anything & everything. Its always fun to have them around. We also stick really close because in our whole huge group of friends - we're like th only girls around. HAHA!

So lately, I've been missing them soo much. ):

They've all been busy with college, & they haven't even been around much. ): I miss our talks, our gossip sessions, our mamak sessions, our hugs, our laughs, our jokes, our everything! The last time we were all actually together, along with PeiWen & Leysha- was at Leysha's party. & that was August 1st! :O

Ladies! Is it me, or do I feel like a get-together is way overdue?!

September 26, 2009 | you're my closure. |

And to think I never believed in such a thing called "a coincidence",

James Tang. (:

It was nice knowing you. It was nice being close to you. It was nice having you around. It was comforting to look into your golden eyes, when I just felt like it. It was nice having that warm feeling when you smiled. It was fun to text you for hours on end. It was great to talk to you on the phone. It was special when you made me laugh. It was cute when you made a face at me, because I couldn't stop making fun of you. It was amazing when you put your arms around me. It was flirty when you said you missed me. It was secretive to keep what we had all to ourselves. It was romantic when you sat next to me in the movies, and let me lean on your shoulder. It was wonderful when you held my hand. It was so kind of you to give up your World Stage ticket for me. It was so sweet when you were concerned about my health. It was hurtful to see you stressed up sometimes. It was crazy when my heart felt like leaping out of my chest whenever I saw you. It was loving to think that maybe, you were the one. It was just perfect when everything was going so well.

James Tang. ):

It was hurtful to know what you did to me. It was betraying to do that with a very close friend of mine, especially her. It was painful to finally find out you weren't true all along. It was suckish to know that you're just like any other guy out there, in the end. It was stupid to believe you all this while. It was ridiculous to think you cared. It was true that you were only there for the attention. It was impossible to believe, but I accepted it in the end. It was saddening to know we will never be more than what we are now. It was crazy to entertain my thoughts of being with you.

James Tang. -.-

You no longer mean that much to me. You'll be nothing more than a good friend. You had a special part of my heart, now you're gonna have to give it back. (: You already have someone new, good for you. You should really stop trying to hint things to me. You shouldn't talk to her right in front of my face, then keep looking back at me. You are still sweet, nice and charming. You still can text me if you want. You haven't been around for quite sometime. You have been keeping your distance. You still wonder if I care, don't you? You can forget me, but I won't forget you. You can take all the memories if you want, up to you. Your eyes still amaze me, but I just like their colours. You no longer make my heart go crazy. You're just not that special anymore.

James Tang...

People have been wondering about us. But we never told anyone. And its a good thing. Because now, we're back to square one. It doesn't really bother me that I've lost you, because you lost me way before you realized it. We had a fun ride, didn't we? Oh, don't you worry. I do not hate you, and I do not hold a grudge against you. Thank you for everything.

And this blog post, is the closure of you in my life. (:

Labels: friends, goodbyes, love

September 24, 2009 | come & go. |

"But if you left it up to me
Everyday would be
A holiday from real
We'd waste our weeks
Beneath the sun
We'd lie and tell our friends
It's so much fun out here
But when it's all over
I'll come back for another year"

-Jack's Mannequin

The holidays are coming to an end. And that can only mean one thing,

My final exams.

But oh well. I've got so much more to look forward to in between that time. The finals are scaring me shitless, & I just feel like blending all my textbooks and drinking them so that I'll gain knowledge! But of course, that's impossible. I sometimes wish life was a cartoon. ):

But that's not gonna bring me down!

Because, I've got so so much to look forward to in the month of October. There's Daddy's birthday, Deepavali, the triplets birthday, the triplets birthday trip and soo much more!

Aunty Manju has something secretly planned for the whole family for the triplets' first birthday & she's as hard to crack as Fort Knox! Damn. She's driving us all insane by not telling where she's gonna take us, or even what she has planned. She's not even giving a single clue!

Oh well, whatever it is- I cannot wait!

But WAIT! Three days away from technology, the internet, FACEBOOK, friends, Safa, school & everything in BSD? I DON'T CARE! Because I love my family to bits, & I know I won't die of boredom at all on this trip. Its actually going to be quite fun! Especially if its mummy's side. They're always a blast to be with. I love family reunions with mummy's side! (:

Eek, Im getting so excited just thinking about it! Gah.

Now, I miss them cuties. Its been weeks since we've last visited them! ):

"The triplets only turn one three times!"

| feeling bitchy should be an emotion, |

"You're gonna bring yourself down,"

-The Killers

Secretly, I want to watch you fall. (:

Labels: secretzen.com

September 20, 2009 | can we please turn back time? |

It feels like just yesterday we held our auditions for the school cheersquad of SMKBSD (2).
It feels like just yesterday we made decisions of who's selected to join the squad.
It feels like just yesterday we met our coaches, Eric & Pris.
It feels like just yesterday we had our first few practices.
It feels like just yesterday we jumped for joy when Pn.Aliza agreed to be our cheer teacher.
It feels like just yesterday PeiWen created th spirit stick.
It feels like just yesterday we picked ELECTRIC, as our cheersquad name.
It feels like just yesterday we debated with th high teachers on letting us do this.
It feels like just yesterday we started getting serious about cheerleading.
It feels like just yesterday I tried to fly.
It feels like just yesterday we basket tossed Leysha, and she fell.
It feels like just yesterday everyone tried tumbling, for the first time.
It feels like just yesterday we met our new & awesome coach, Magdalene Thomas.
It feels like just yesterday we started practicing everyday, of every week.
It feels like just yesterday we got our photoshoot with th STAR newspaper for Cheer09.
It feels like just yesterday we all started getting along.
It feels like just yesterday we started loving each other as more than just teammates.
It feels like just yesterday we were fooling around during practice.
It feels like just yesterday we got even more focused in practices.
It feels like just yesterday we got our uniforms & immediately tried them on.
It feels like just yesterday we stayed up till 2am making cupcakes.
It feels like just yesterday we had the night of our lives at the ELECTRIC GIG.
It feels like just yesterday we were on our way to Cheer Clinic.
It feels like just yesterday we met up with Mag to make our pom-poms.
It feels like just yesterday we started selling Electric supporters tshirts.
It feels like just yesterday we went swimming right after cheer practice.
It feels like just yesterday we had night practices at Safa Park.
It feels like just yesterday we went to Safa for breakfast, and practiced at the park.
It feels like just yesterday we had practices with Sparkz & Cyclonez.
It feels like just yesterday we lost Hanez, for good.
It feels like just yesterday we were nervous about Cheer09.
It feels like just yesterday we were talking about how we're gonna miss this.
It feels like just yesterday our friends & family showed us their support.
It feels like just yesterday we performed at Cheer09, after years of waiting.

As you can see, I miss cheer.

Like heck a lot! Eventhough it was three months ago, I still can't wrap my head around th fact that Cheer09 came and went, SO FAST. I was having th time of my life, & I truly lived in that moment. I have no regrets at all. I loved every single moment of it, & every hour spent just for that moment on th cheer mat was more worth it than anything in my life! Cheer09 was one of the best experiences of my life,

And so was my cheersquad, ELECTRIC. Imissyougirls soo much. ):

I miss how PeiWen would tell us to focus,
I miss how Leysha would always be ready to try new things,
I miss how everyone forced me to fly,
I miss how Fafa would always understand,
I miss how Jowy was always injuring herself somehow,
I miss how Mel used to count sooo slowly,
I miss how Hanez would come late to practice but still be th best in the squad,
I miss how Wawa was always concerned, even when she didn't have to be,
I miss how Eliza would speak in a different language when she's up there,
I miss how Myra was really competitive when it came to flying,
I miss how Shasha was really focused on doing it right,
I miss how Syuhada was trying her best,
I miss how Nik never complained about anything.

I miss Electric, I miss cheer, I miss everything! Why can't we turn back time?! Sigh. Th other day, PW made a video for ELECTRIC. I teared up watching it. )': Its just so sad to know that its over, whn we've spent half the year working our butts off for Cheer09.

Im just sad I won't be joining Cheer next year, but I'll still be an Electrician at heart ! ♥

Here's th video , ENJOYYY !

| thanks for the concern! |

"You have a very good life, Vee. I can see that."

"I have a good life because amazing people are in it."

& Im ever so grateful to have each of them in my life! To all of you who has been concerned about me being an emotional wreck for th past few weeks- this one's for you guys. (:

I just wanna thank each and every one of you for looking out for me, taking care of me, helping me, and allowing me to be myself again. You may not know in what way you've helped me, and you may not even know what my problem was. But you did help, somehow or rather. And this is a blogpost dedicated to all of you who have helped me!

& yesss, I am happy and smiling again. (:

Leysha Al-Yahya & Jolene Lee PeiWen.
You both, are my forever. ♥

Lee, Joey, Shahrul & Harith.
I've been spending th past few weeks with th four of you,
& you guys always always always make me laugh my head off!
& I wanna thank y'all for doing everything you could just to make me smile. (:
Iloveallfourofyou! ♥

Joey Khong,
you truly are my twin. ((:
Idk how you do it, but you always understand what Im going thru,
Thnks fr always being there for me,
& thnks fr all the advice! ♥

Johnathan Lee,
Thnks for hearing me out, & still caring for me. (:
We're alot more closer this year & I love how easy it is for me to open up to you.
& likewise, ♥

My threesome couple, Harith & Yana!
Haha you guys are amazing, & there's never a dull moment with you two.
Idk how I always end up in between th two of you,
So I guess we really are a threesome group! ;D
ILY! ♥

Nicholas Wong,
You always seem to know when things aren't good for me,
& it always takes me by surprise.
Thanks for always caring & always debating with me. (:
Hee! ♥

Diana Buxton,
You know why you make me happy. (:
Iloveyouu, ♥

Caryn Khoo,
Though you've already left school, & you live so far away now,
I wanna thank you so so much for always caring.
You still check up on me frm time to time, & its always easy to talk to you. (':
Ily, senior. ♥

Joanne Tee,
You're so annoying! In a good way. (:
Our online chats always make me laugh & it always cheer me up.
Thnks a bunch, darl. ♥

And to everyone else I did not mention, like my blog readers, the Safa gang, a few people from school.. THANKS TO YOU GUYS TOO!

I can't mention everyone, but you know you've all helped me somehow or rather. Thanks for helping me out, thnks fr caring, thnks fr the hugs/kisses, thnks fr th small talks, thnks fr text messages, thnks fr th chats, thnks fr th calls, thnks fr th jokes, thnks fr th laughs, thnks fr th tears, thnks fr th hours spent, and finallyyy..

Thanks for the concern!

September 16, 2009 | thanks. |

"Hey, talk to me.

Listen, I know I've been talking for th past two weeks
& not giving you the chance to at all.
& Im really sorry about that!
Its just that you're my bestfriend ,
& you're th only person I can truly trust,
& I really need you in this period of my life.

I've never felt this way, or even had such a serious thing in my life.
& you've been helping me so much.
I'd be fucked if you weren't here.

Im sorry that I haven't been hearing you out.
But hey, I'll shut up now.
Its your turn to do the talking.
And my turn to listen."

Johnathan Lee, thanks so much for hearing me out. (:

I love you, man. We've been bestfriends since we were freakin' nine! How could I ever possibly not help you? Especially in this point of your life?

You're my best-est guy friend, & its okay if you don't hear me out. I know you care anyway, and that's good enough. I'd much rather help you out because you've got more shit than I do. Mine's nothing compared to your problems! I'd rather you confide in me because I don't want you to be unhappy.

Frankly, I just love helping you out because it feels great to do something for someone who means alot to me. (:

Sorry for th fugly pic,
But its th only one I could find of you & me! ;)

Ps/ Im really proud of you. (:

Labels: bonds, friendship

September 13, 2009 | read me like a book. |

"Hey Vee! Will you be coming to school tomorrow?
I've got something for you."

And she smiled so sweetly at me, I couldn't help but smile back. This was weird, and really random. My mind started thinking of what she could possibly want to give me, but I gave up. I had no clue. We weren't that close friends, but we weren't that distant either. We were, somewhere in the middle. Yes, that's more like it. & so, what does a 'somewhere in between' friend could possibly want to give you? I was curious, already.

"Yeah, I am. What is it?" I asked innocently. She just shrugged and shook her head, smiling sheepishly. "Ohh I don't know. You'll see!"

God, how I hate it when people do that! Im like th most impatient & most curious person in the world, and she expected me to wait?! "Aww, cmon! Just tell me. I hate surprises. Sometimes."

She laughed and said, "No way. Just wait for tomorrow lah! Bye!"

& ironically , she didn't come the other day. I was slightly down. I wanted to know what was it so badly. Im like a kid or something. If you tell me you have something fr me, I'd want you to give right away! I hate waiting. For the next few days, she did come but she didn't bring th 'thing'. I started getting annoyed pretty soon.

Then finally when I was sitting down with her & her friend in her class two days back, she finally gave it to me. "Oh!" she jumped, "I finally remembered to bring your thing!" & she took a plastic bag frm under her table and stuffed her hand in to grab the content.

In it, was a cupcake. "Here you go," she said smiling soo politely.

I was stunned. I didn't expect it at all. And that definitely came outta nowhere! "Thanks!" I said back to her and immediately begun digging into the cupcake. It didn't taste as good as I'd hope, but I was too hungry to care. And since we were already engaged in another conversation, I forgot to ask her what was her reason for giving me this cupcake.

I finally saw her online today and decided to ask her.

"Welcome. You looked so sad the other day, that's all.

So I thought a cupcake might cheer you up.

Sorry if I assumed wrongly about you being sad..

I just noticed something about your face lately...

Its been less lively. So not the usual you."

Labels: emotions, friends, surprises

| just felt like it, |

I hold no grudges against you in this post, I swear. (:

"It was helpless anyway
There's nothing much we could do or say
Darling don't you think it's a shame?
that it had to end this way

So here's to say goodbye,
our love is lost, and we cant figure why
maybe it really is about time
that we finally made up our minds

So Darling, here's to you
i hope that when you find someone new
that she would always be true to you
to love and understand you

Soon you'll build new memories
then slowly you'd forget about me
then i would slowly be
a distant memory

*Soon i'll just be
that someone you used to know
But darling you will thank me
for letting you go
time is not for wasting
i hope you'll find your intended
But i'm sorry
that your intended isn't me

it's not an easy thing
to shake off our history
i know that's what you want from me
but they will always stay with me

i admit i made mistakes
but darling with you it's just the same
if we stay there will be more to make
i dont know how much more we can take

Darling, it would be unfair
to stay with something no longer there
but it doesn't mean i no longer care
but i'd feel like a burden you can't bear"

Someone You Used To Know by Zee Avi ♥

Labels: love, songs, zee avi

September 09, 2009 | i hate this part. |

How do I feel ?

I feel vulnerable. I feel fragile.

Also,

I feel broken. I feel numb. I feel lost. I feel confused. I feel hurt. I feel angry. I feel upset. I feel locked up. I feel like screaming. I feel like drifting away. I feel stupid. I feel sad. I feel unworthy. I feel like a burden you cannot bear. I feel like having fun. I feel like moping around all day. I feel like being useless. I feel like running. I feel like flying. I feel like telling you off. I feel like shouting. I feel like whispering. I feel like talking. I feel like you don't need me anymore. I feel like you don't want me anymore. I feel like I should do something about it. I feel like Im wrong. I feel like I should be strong.

"Pretend it's not forever.
I'll pull myself together.
I'll say that I'll forget her.
I'll breathe.

And I'll say she never hurt me.
And look at it as learning,
And laugh about the good and the bad.

Because I will live forever.
We don't belong together.
I know I'll feel better.
One day when I can make it through.

But I'm tired of lying,
Tired of fighting you,
And it's not gonna change.

I won't forget you.
I'm not gonna let you win."

Discovering The Waterfront by Silverstein ♥

| try as I may, |

"You're stronger than you think you are, Vee."

Two very close friends of mine, Joey & Leysha, have been telling me that lately. Ever since I've been on this invisible emotional roller coaster where my moods keep changing from being oh, so happy to just plain emotional nothing has been well for me.

I can't think straight anymore. I can't keep my focus on something for long. I can't eat. I don't eat. I don't laugh as much. I don't talk as much. I don't feel like getting out of bed. I feel like lying somewhere and just moping around all day. I don't feel worthy. I don't feel good. I feel like a burden to everyone. I can't concentrate. Im so distant even when Im with people. I drift off easily..

"You hide your emotions well, Vee.
If it wasn't for your Facebook status' or your blog,
I'd never imagine you were this emotional or anything."

Joey said that to me a few weeks ago. I guess he's right. Only when Im out with my friends or family will I be totally distracted of that aching pain in my heart or those stupid thoughts in my head. None of it bothers me when Im out with th people I love. But once I come home or where ever Im alone, & I have nothing to distract me... It hits me.

But still, my friends are helping me alot and Im ever so grateful to have them in my life. I just don't see how Leysha & Joey can keep telling me Im stronger than I think I am. I highly doubt them. I feel incredibly weak. Incredibly vulnerable. Incredibly fragile. I decided to look up the definition of 'strong' ..

"Solid; tough; not easily broken or injured; able to withstand violence; able to sustain attacks; not easily subdued or taken."

I do not feel that way at all. Lately, all I've been feeling is broken. That's the only way I can describe my feelings right now. Either broken, or numb. Either way, none of those two words are even a good thing.

I don't feel like talking about things anymore, because Im just stuck this way for now. All I need are my friends & family to make me they way I was , once again. Im counting on them. And also, Im gonna do it myself. I need to be myself again.

I want to be myself again.

Not this way anymore.

PS/ I love all my friends who have been helping me out! ♥

Labels: emotions, feelings, friends

September 08, 2009 | another story, |

I heard a loud pounding sound on my door.

Not expecting anyone, I walk towards the door slowly & steadily- the whole time curiosity was wriggling in me. I shook it off. It could just be one of my friends coming over to grab whatever stuff they've left behind. The usual. But being cautious anyway, I look through th peep-hole.

Noone there.

Hmm, weird. I slowly walk back toward the couch but I hear th pounding again. Grunting, I walk back to the door. This better not be some kid playing some stupid prank on me or anything because I really do not have th mood for such bullshit right now.

Again, noone there.

Angrily , I open the door & prepare to scream my head off into th corridor of my apartments not caring about what people might think. But just as I open th door , I felt this hard force push me and I literally fly across my hallway and fall to the floor.

I shake my head, trying to shake off the dizzyness. As soon as I've gained conciousness, I realize Im not in my apartment hallway or whatever. Im back home, on my bed. I can feel sweat all over my body and I kick off the comforter and sit up. Oh, it was only a dream. Just a stupid dream. That's strange . . Well, ouch, that hurts. There's something aching.. But its not my body.

Its my heart. Oh my God. He's back isn't he? Mr.Heartache was the one pounding on my "door" & trying to get in. & I actually let him in.

Mr.Heartache is back and he's planted himself so comfortably deep inside my heart. He's gonna make sure I suffer in silence again, cry again, mope around for days again & just be plain unhappy. Why come back now, Mr.Heartache?

"Im sorry but Im ending this."

Labels: hurt, love, stories, unhappy

| what do we do ? |

"I honestly feel like my heart is gone."
-Sharifah Aleysha

"I finally gave him a piece of my mind."
-Jolene Lee Pei Wen

"I've really never felt this way before.."
-Johnathan Lee

"Im bored of girls. Any guys to intro to me?"
-Daniel Choo

"I don't need a girlfriend."
-Tanaraj

"Why doesn't anyone believe I have a girlfriend?"
-Ikhwan Ariff

"Noone else knows."
-Sophie Chan

"I don't ever want to lose her, again."
-Joey Khong

"I've never been so heartbroken."
-Guess who?

Is it me, or are we all having issues right now? /:

September 05, 2009 | we could have been lovers, |

"Whoever said love isn't supposed to be hard,

Should be pulled out on to the street and shot!

Love is the hardest thing out there, babe.

It hurts.

It breaks you apart.

It doesn't take any prisoners.

You barely survive in the end,

But if you do- its the best feeling ever.

So , fight bitch.

Cause these battles don't come everyday."

By, Sharifah Aleysha.

Love, is a battlefield.

I couldn't agree more.

August 31, 2009 | pour the champagne, |

"I've already said you're my everything.

So when you're actually mine, I'll make you

twice my everything, babe."

Why did it scare me when he said that?

So, now Im having a dilemma of having to tell him Im no longer fantasizing about being with him, I no longer want him. I was crazy about him, but not anymore. And I don't know if I should be happy about it or not. Sigh. I feel somewhat heartless, but I've fallen for someone else and he just doesn't make my heart go "dup dap! dup dap!" anymore.

But I think I've decided to be happy about it.

I found out some pretty shocking stuff about him, and I just feel like I've been used this whole time. He was after my attention, not me in general. And I was stupid enough to succumb to it. Why did I go so crazy for him? I was too blind to realize how empty-headed he was, and it was only his charm, his smile & his eyes that kept me going crazy for him.

I wonder, how many other girls out there have fallen for a boy just because he was gorgeous?

All I wanna say is , I apologize to all those girls who has ever been tied up to strings that were attached to a boy's fingers. I used to think you girls were stupid to not realize those boys were fake when everyone else could see it right away!

Little did I know that wasn't even the case.

I understand now how you girls could be blinded by those gorgeous boys. You would think highly of yourselves because those gorgeous boys were 'all for you' and not even caring about those other girls that practically throw themselves at him. I understand how you felt when he said he missed you, I understand how you felt when he says he can't wait to see you, and I sure as hell understand how you felt when he said he likes talking to you.

HAHA don't we feel stupid now to finally find out he was also saying that to some other girl- worstly, a close friend of yours, the whole time too? So yes, I apologize to you girls. Its not your fault you fell so hard those boys- they're sneaky like that.

Whatever it is, its time to celebrate the fact that we're finally over them , no? I congratulate all those girls who managed to save themselves and snap outta this crush before its too late. To those who are still head-over-heels for such guys, don't worry. You'll get over them eventually! Trust me. (:

Well, I know Im celebrating, baby!

| i hate this, |

"I have no guys whatsoever lining up for me lah, trust me."

"You have one. Me."

Sigh. Well that's tremendously fucked.

How do I tell him I DON'T want him waiting 'in line'?

This is stupid. I don't get why things just can't go my way once in awhile. Its MY life, after all! So why won't it listen to ME and do what I want it to bloody hell do?! Its really, really stupid how whenever you want something in life, you can't get it. And when you don't want something, it comes and begs to be yours.

August 27, 2009 | words of comfort, |

"Now get on your own feet and push out your boobs!
Alotta people are out there waiting for you to be theirs!"

"You don't need a 'certain someone' , Vee. You're amazing enough!"

"Sabar, sayang."

"You are good the way you are, and you only need you to realize that sayang!"

"You're a strong girl, Vee. Believe me when I say that."

"Its not a mistake on your part, you wouldn't have known."

"This is the point in our friendship where I teach you to be a bitch!"

"Dude we're so hot, we make fire, stop, drop and roll!"

"You look like you need a drink."

"Anyone ever breaks your heart, I'll break their leg."

"Who's the bastard who rejected you? Let me have him!"

"Vee! Don't be ridiculous. I'd accept you as a friend no matter what!"

"I'll be here for you. Just don't ditch me when I get screwed up!"

So , why do I still feel like shit at the end of the day ? ):

| Imy, |

"I think you're like my fav Malaysian cousin!"

Kaylaah Khan, Imissyou. ):

I don't even remember th last time I saw you, y'know? I was like, what? Five? And fast forward to 11 years later on and you're in New York now having the time of your life!

Damn. And never once in those 11 years did you or my aunty come back down to Malaysia for a visit. ): That's really depressing. I thought we'd lose contact forever or something, but thankgod we didn't! We got each other's emails thru grandad and we started chatting on MSN. (:

I never will forget that one particular conversation we had, and it was struck up outta nowhere. You just suddenly decided to say "hello" to me on MSN and then pour out your deepest darkest secrets! I was dumbfounded, obviously.

"Why are you telling me all this?"

"Because I know and I get that vibe that you're a trustworthy person. And I know it in my heart that you're so much like me, whether you know it or not!"

I was so touched when you said that! (': Its been awhile since we've talked, looks like New York's been keeping you really busy huh? HAHA. Well we finally talked again today and you & I both shared our updates. You've been having a little too much fun in the Big Apple, cousin! HAHA I so envy youuu.

Im glad we had this talk, because I've been missing you so much and I needed someone to talk to about all this. Noone else would understand cept you, I know that for sure. And now, I feel like cryin! Ugh. HAHA. I sure hope you do come down and visit us soon. (:

We'll talk from dusk till dawn, cousin. Iloveyou!